Chapter One: Oh god more wine words, why? (1 of 8)
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Welcome readers to the first in a series of articles on Real Time Wine. These articles are not trying to ‘convert’ you; they will definitely not turn you into a master of wine; and will absolutely not, under any circumstances tell you which wines you have to drink. The aim of this set of articles is to encourage, foster, or to be very web 2.0 about it, curate a love for wine, and to perhaps throw in a few tidbits of information along the way. Just so you know, they are written by someone who is convinced wine is the greatest beverage in the history of wo/mankind.
You may already be asking why. Why do we need more words on wine? Can’t you leave us alone and let us just drink the stuff? Do we have to listen to some poncey, big nosed bastard who is going to tell us about the flutteringly fleet-footed scent of an angels fart, offset only by the delicate flavour of cigar boxed, pencil shaved bullshit? In short: Because it’s awesome, of course you can, and I damn well hope not.
Why wine? Well for the last couple thousand years (earliest estimates see evidence for wine making at around 7000 BC) we have been drinking it. We have drunk it to escape our cruel and short lives, to grease our brain’s cogs and wheels, to liven up parties, to find inspiration, and to worship our gods. We have traded wine, made millions with wine, and lost it all with wine. We’ve made it sweet, drunk it sour, wrote books on it, fought for it, died for it, and we have drunk wine because, goddamnit, drinking it is awesome. Wine was at the start of civilization and it will be there, in whatever form, at the end.
So whether you like wine or not, wherever you are on this mortal coil, it’s not going anywhere
But here is the tricky bit, and one that frustrates me, and you I am sure, to no end. How did this wonderful liquid, rich in history, gain this horrible reputation: the more you know about it, the more likely you are to be a pretentious snob.
One answer is of course the price of wine. The brilliant 18th century author Goethe made the point, “The rich want good wine, the poor plenty of wine.” I’m poor, and I want plenty of good wine. So sod you, Goethe.
We know they are out there. Not the experts, necessarily, or the winemakers, but anyone who thinks wine is only for the initiated; those who sternly look down their hand-blown crystal stems at others mixing up their Syrahs and Cabernets; people whose only joy in wine is buying the most expensive bottle and showing it off; those who easily forget that wine is intrinsically about pleasure, sharing, and life.
The purpose of wine is to enjoy it, to quench your thirst, to inspire joie de vivre. As soon as that ceases, so should your drinking. For some this occurs at four in the morning with their heads over a porcelain bowl, for others it is when they start buying wine simply to impress.
But of course, like most things, the more you know the more enjoyable it becomes. Unless of course your sole aim is to get shit-faced; if that’s the case, then by all means carry on. You are not alone.
For me, drinking wine is like reading. We start with the simple and, if we like it, progress to more and more complex books, poems, manuals, textbooks etc.
When I first read Spot the Dog, I can remember the joy in understanding the words and finding out where the hell that bloody Spot was. How much pleasure would I receive from the book now? Little, but that original joy is what I look for every time I open a book. It’s harder to achieve now. Joyce’s Ulysses was and is a massive pain in the arse, but when I grasp a single chapter properly, the joy of recognizing the Irishman’s genius is just like finding Spot. Wine, I think, is similar.
It’s that progressive and escalating joy of vinous exploration. Seeing how your palate changes, how it doesn’t. It’s of little importance which wines you like, but the fun comes from finding out why you like it.
These articles, I hope, are going to help you work that out. We’ll cover that swirling and gargling wine is not just for snobs, how to best pick wines in the supermarket, and reclaim some terms reserved for wine geeks like ‘terroir’, ‘natural wine’, and ‘wine of origin’ to show how they are really practical and can make your wine drinking experience better. We will try to share tasting notes, and to think about wine a little differently, but most of all I want to celebrate the drinking of this wonderful, magical beverage. Wine is awesome, and you are awesome for drinking it.
